Date: April 9, 2015
Subject: Party achievements, January- March 2015
Fellow Patriots,
Some people think Republicans don't have a sense of humor. You'd need one to survive eight years of Obummer! My housekeeper told me Republicans have been tearing up America like an episiotomy. I just laughed. What a hoot! It has been a stunning 2015. First, Texas Senator John Conryn changed the name of the subcomitte he now leads. It was called the Subcomittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights, and Human Rights. He just chopped off 'civil rights' and 'human rights' from the name. This man is a genius. The Constitution as it was originally written had all the best stuff in it. The special rights crowd didn't see this coming. Some people around town have given Senator Conryn the nickname "Big Bunyons." If he has bunyons, his Italian leather loafers would be stretched to the nubs. There is no visual evidence of bunyons, hammer toes or corns as far as I can tell.
Linds Graham, the gentleman from South Carolina recently told a real eye-popping story at an intimate dinner party for the GOP's most dedicated supporters. According to Linds, there's a Negro bailiff over at the Supreme Court. Talk about affirmative action. He is apparently undeportable and engages in sassy banter with Justice Sotoportorico. When they're conversing the room smells like refried beans and menthol cigarettes. Can you imagine?
Arkansas turd blossom Tom Cotton was at the same dinner drinking his body weight in Dr. Pepper. He's a bit dramatic, but Tom made some good points. He said, "those liberals must feel really stupid. People who love America, who own National Treasure on Blue Ray are running the show now." He is completely right. I agree with him and the other forty-six senators about Iran. Those senators sure put the ayatollahs on notice with that beautiful letter they put together on Google Translate. American ingenuity at its best. Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa wasn't at the dinner. Word is she's been scouring the Capitol for trash bags to wear as rain ponchos.
Not everyone is made for this life. To fight for American values you have to be tough. If only Governor Bobby Jindal and Senator Marco Rubio could get over that messy minority business. Jindal referred to himself on television as a pre-existing condition. Poor Rubio has the nimbleness of a crack baby despite not being on crack or a baby.
Thank God for Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. They would commit mass murder to get their points across. Ted and Rand running for president is giving me night sweats. 2015 is shaping up to be a great year.
God Bless America!
-Kiki Maldoon
Director, GOP Patriot Relations
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