Recommended Reading

Source: chicagoreader.com

This is a great reading list for fans of humor and memoir. I've read "Bossypants," "I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence," "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns)," "Meaty," and "The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl." "Meaty" was my absolute favorite. Samantha Irby is uniquely hilarious. She can describe things you don't want to know about in excruciatingly detailed and vivid language. Her blog Bitches Gotta Eat will make you laugh, gasp and possibly cringe. 

Happy 116th Birthday, Susannah Mushatt Jones!

Susannah Mushatt Jones, Source: Oaks Senior Living

 

Ms. Susannah Mushatt Jones is 116 years-old today and the oldest living person in the world. She has the aura of a person who has unlocked the meaning of life. Ms. Jones is the originator of the "treat yourself" philosophy of life. According to her niece Selbra Mushatt, Ms. Jones continues to appreciate fine lingerie and bacon. I am going to make the claim that undergarments exquisitely designed to enhance the beauty of the body and delicious salty meats are the secrets to longevity. This is wild conjecture on my part, but I'll allow it.

As we celebrate Ms. Jones, let us not forget the woman who made this possible. 116 year-old Jeralean Talley of the "don't waste my time" face and "I can smell the stupid on you" wrinkle of the nose died on June 18, ceding her crown of the oldest and the baddest to Ms. Susannah Mushatt Jones.

Jeralean Talley, Source: The Root

 

 

From: The desk of Kiki Maldoon, American Patriot

Date: April 9, 2015

Subject: Party achievements, January- March 2015

Fellow Patriots, 

Some people think Republicans don't have a sense of humor. You'd need one to survive eight years of Obummer! My housekeeper told me Republicans have been tearing up America like an episiotomy. I just laughed. What a hoot! It has been a stunning 2015. First, Texas Senator John Conryn changed the name of the subcomitte he now leads. It was called the Subcomittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights, and Human Rights. He just chopped off 'civil rights' and 'human rights' from the name. This man is a genius. The Constitution as it was originally written had all the best stuff in it. The special rights crowd didn't see this coming. Some people around town have given Senator Conryn the nickname "Big Bunyons." If he has bunyons, his Italian leather loafers would be stretched to the nubs. There is no visual evidence of bunyons, hammer toes or corns as far as I can tell. 

Linds Graham, the gentleman from South Carolina recently told a real eye-popping story at an intimate dinner party for the GOP's most dedicated supporters. According to Linds, there's a Negro bailiff over at the Supreme Court. Talk about affirmative action. He is apparently undeportable and engages in sassy banter with Justice Sotoportorico. When they're conversing the room smells like refried beans and menthol cigarettes. Can you imagine?

Arkansas turd blossom Tom Cotton was at the same dinner drinking his body weight in Dr. Pepper. He's a bit dramatic, but Tom made some good points. He said, "those liberals must feel really stupid. People who love America, who own National Treasure on Blue Ray are running the show now." He is completely right. I agree with him and the other forty-six senators about Iran. Those senators sure put the ayatollahs on notice with that beautiful letter they put together on Google Translate. American ingenuity at its best. Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa wasn't at the dinner. Word is she's been scouring the Capitol for trash bags to wear as rain ponchos. 

 

Not everyone is made for this life. To fight for American values you have to be tough. If only Governor Bobby Jindal and Senator Marco Rubio could get over that messy minority business. Jindal referred to himself on television as a pre-existing condition. Poor Rubio has the nimbleness of a crack baby despite not being on crack or a baby. 

Thank God for Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. They would commit mass murder to get their points across. Ted and Rand running for president is giving me night sweats. 2015 is shaping up to be a great year. 

God Bless America!

-Kiki Maldoon

 Director, GOP Patriot Relations 

Help Wanted: GOP Diversity Coordinator

The Republican Party is staffing up in preparation for the 2016 presidential election. This job description was inserted in the programs of the American Heritage Ideas Conference and Gun Show held in Toledo, Ohio last month.


Help Wanted: GOP Diversity Coordinator

Job Description

The GOP, Party of Lincoln, is seeking a diversity coordinator. The coordinator will work directly with the Koch brothers to increase the number of minorities in the Party. The minorities to be recruited include, but are not limited to the following groups: white divorcees over 60; black grandmothers who love Jesus and tithe generously; Cubans; Filipino nurses; 'confirmed bachelors' who are white; Nigerian and Indian doctors working at major medical centers; mentally ill gun enthusiasts; recent converts to Christianity (Catholicism counts for the purposes of diversity); and any heterosexual man or woman who has completed at least two weeks of intensive gay conversion therapy. Also, black men interested in GOP membership must pass a background check.

This job requires extensive travel throughout the United States, but specifically to: Florida; California, east of Interstate 5; Indiana; Oklahoma; and any other locales where minority GOP recruits could be found. 

The role of GOP diversity coordinator is an exciting opportunity for the right person. The ideal candidate must be well-versed in Obama's history as a racist, Socialist-Marxist, Muslim overlord and Hillary's lesbianism. A key requirement for the position is slow dancing with Governor Scott Walker when he desires the light touch of a warm body against his frigid skin.

Good public speaking skills are essential. The best candidate for this job is well versed in race-baiting and inciting panic about the Homosexual Agenda. The ability to make up absurd talking points to justify the GOP's positions is a must. Applicants with Spanish language surnames and a virulent hatred of Mexican immigrants are highly encouraged to apply.

Please send your cover letter and qualifications via U.S. mail or fax. No online applications will be accepted. Senator Lindsey Graham does not send emails and neither do we. The Republican Party strongly believes in plausible deniability. God Bless America! 

The Republican Party
c/o Hope, Patriotism, Victory (HPV) Center
1984 El Pendejo Road
White City, Oklahoma 73116
Attention: Stacey Dash

American exceptionalism is the new AP History

Oklahoma State Representative and patriot Dan Fisher (R) has rescinded his proposed bill to effectively ban AP U.S. History courses in Oklahoma public high schools. After serious prayer and hearing from outraged conservative donors who actually expect their children to learn shit, Fisher saw the shit stained light. The recalcitrant defender of the realm backpedalled faster than Rand Paul talking about the Civil Rights Act of 1964 on the Rachel Maddow show.

Before Dan Fisher pulled his bill, he commissioned independent American history experts at the local Chili's to develop the American Exceptionalism exam. The exam would use seminal sacred texts to test students on the accurate history of the United States.

Voracious DPC obtained a copy of some of the proposed questions on the American Exceptionalism exam.

1. If America were to adopt the original version of the U.S. Constitution as the law of the land, would mail order brides be considered 3/5 of a person?

2. Was President George W. Bush's use of the term 'strategerie,' an ingenious or brilliant way to confuse liberals with his greatness?

 

 

Source: The White House

 

3. Provide three examples of why God hates black people.

                     

Source: Smithsonian Digital Archive

4. Historically, what is the best way to find out if there are homosexuals and communists running rampant in the federal government?

5. When the Confederacy won the Civil War, did Jefferson Davis hang the treasonous scoundrel (and closeted Jewish homosexual) Abraham Lincoln himself, or did he ask his wife's friend's cousin Alexander Graham Bell to make Lincoln's death look like an accident?

6. Using 'The Holy Bible,' 'The Protocols of The Elders of Zion,' and 'Atlas Shrugged,' describe the key elements of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy.

7. Harry S. Truman went against the will of the people by desegregating the U.S. Armed Forces in 1948. What other treasonous actions have been taken by Democratic dictators since 1950?

True/False questions:

8. Was Harriet Tubman a voodoo terrorist who introduced AIDS to the United States?

9. Did Mexico sell the U.S. almost half of its territory in exchange for a crate of cast iron skillets?

10. Due to overforestation, too much clean water, and abundant healthy food sources, Native Americans were relieved when European colonists arrived. Weren’t they desperate to develop a large-scale market economy exploited by the few at the expense of the many?

   

Source: NYPL Digital Library